Fashion Faux Pas' (a must read for the fashionably challenged)

*We are no meanies but the following has to be said avoid like the plague, heels that make your ankles look fat. Solve that problem by wearing round toed shoes if you have naturally thick ankles, because there is nothing more unattractive then looking like a hippo in heels.If you are prone to doing the “Whoopi Goldberg” walk when in heels then for the love of God learn how to walk in them. I can confess having had the Whoopi Goldberg walk once upon a long time ago but I taught myself to walk in high heels by walking around my house in my Choos until I got the hang of it. Oh let me add just because you are finding walking in heels hard is no excuse to go and buy shoes that look like they belong in Herman Munster’s wardrobe!


*Always trust your de ja va fashion instinct. For example do not buy those shoes/dress/skirt in a style that feels familiar because it probably 2 or 3 seasons old and magazines are using old celebrity pictures in to get the naive shopper to buy the been there, done that, has been's that any self respecting Fashionista would avoid at all costs!


*Get to know the hot up and coming designers who havent quite hit Alexander McQueen status but are definitely on their way because you will always have access to great never worn before clothes that will most likely be made to suit your figure to pure perfection- camera, pose, fantastic.

*Clean out your closet once in a while and get rid of all the fashion has been’s. Remember never look, back it distracts from the now!


*When you go shopping always repeat these following very important statements, because they are as true as Christian Louboutins' are fabulous:“It might look great on the hanger but that does not mean that it will look great on me.“Just because I love the outfit, it does not mean that the outfit will love me or my figure.”


*Remember Tube Tops are for 15 year olds who know no better, and can probably pull them off more than a 25 year old in fashion denial. Your teen years are gone and are never coming back- Thank God- so please do not take the time tunnel it is so not a good look, especially on those fabulous fems blessed with a well endowed chest.


*The most offensive shoes ever created (besides white stilletos/shoes) are the thick-heeled shoes that are usually 3 inch wide with a 2-inch heel. I mean ewwww only a person without taste could have had the audacity to think that those can actually make our legs look pretty. If heels are not your thing try the ballet pump/shoe, it is so much cuter and always in fashion.


*Okay this is going to sound a tad harsh because we all have that little tummy that wont go away including yours truly but please take note if any part of your body continues to wobble after you have stopped moving (excluding the bosom) then you should avoid wearing the following:Low rise Jeans- the spare tire over the jeans is very unattractive and will never be hip no matter what you tell yourself.Bikini- Ok we all havent got the Jessica Alba body nor can we all hold our breath for long periods of time- unless you are a trained diver- so therefore if you cant be bothered to tone your body but still want to look sexy on the beach try the tankatini.


*Lycra in any form is not your friend because it makes your wobbly bits look larger than life.


*Wearing too small shoes is just asking not only for corns but also for trouble! Scrunched up toes are just not pretty.Do we all know what a ‘pedicure’ is? Because I do not understand how girls still in this day and age have the audacity to wear open toe shoes without so much of a foot scrub- the mind boggles. Please remember that crusty heels and broken toe nails are not cute!

*If you flap your arms and your feet pretty much leave the ground then avoid vest/tank tops at all costs because they are the enemy. If you must wear the vest/tank top then at least buy the ones with the thick straps. As for my buffalo wings and I, we plan to invest in pretty light cardigans to go over my cute vest/tank tops!

*Backless tops are made for those who do not need to wear a bra. There is nothing more fashion car crash then seeing 36dd’s in a backless top with no bra- ouch!

*The world of D on D is my personal hell! Denim on Denim is such an awful combination that I never know what the people who wear this as an outfit (especially men) are thinking. Very few men can pull off D on D and the D&G team are pretty much the only ones. As for women, I am yet to meet one that can make D & D fabulous.

Wearing a top that exposes your LHB (Low Hanging Boobs) is a fashion crime. Just because you have them does not mean that you have to have them hanging out literally. Have some dignity and invest in a wonder bra and push those puppies up!

*Skintight flowery jeans are a big No-No in every language except in the world of Donatella Versace. We have to forgive her for her many worst fashion crimes because she continues to make Versace Vogue-Fab. As for everyone else it’s just a big fashion faux pas so just dont go there- ok?!?!?

As for white shoes.....I am just not going to go there as i have already voiced my opinion!With all that being said, do take note that YOU must be the one to make an outfit work, just be sure to not make the outfit turn you into a fashion faux pas!

DISCLAIMER:These are fashion tips written in jest and are not meant to be taken literally. So do not let the tips offend your fashion sense/taste, keep being and looking fabulous the only way you know how.

Champagnista London Launch Party on 11th September 2008. For more information please contact Josephine Daphane-Jones at champagnista@ymail.com.